This Beating Shape

One year

encompassed by my heart strung

across Paperchase postcards;

a tangible copy of my soul, now sat waiting

in your College pigeon-hole.

 

Legs intertwined amongst our make-shift bed of

blankets and last night’s sweat and lust.

With you, lust isn’t temporary, lust is

sick to my stomach, a comforting nervousness.

The way your lips imprint my collar bones,

our hearts stitched as one.

 

One year of your fingers sewn to fit between

the gaps of mine.

The way your hair shines in the depths of winter,

for you are the sun’s companion in the frost.

365 alterations to my otherwise mundane

days of feeling your breath on the nape of my neck.

Even when your lips are 2 hours away.

For your shadow, your fingertips have formed a

carbon copy on my heart.

 

You have it always. This organ, this beating shape

under layers of skin, you’ve only strengthened.

I know that’s true. My rib-cage, now painted with

turquoise forcefield.

I’m not afraid anymore.

You’re to thank for that.

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No, I’m Gay (A slam poem)

Hi, my name is Lu-
Wait, it’s not like you care.
You’ve already made assumptions based
on my hair,
Both the length on my head
and what’s down there.

For my sex life, my body image
is clearly your business, broadcasted news.
If you can convince me it’s a phase,
for it’s God’s message (well done you.)

Clearly what porn portrays is
a rehearsal for my real past time.
Asking if I scissor is obviously fine.
But you don’t want tips, you’re not that way inclined.
You ask if you can join,
for lesbian means fetish…
So why would I mind?

As if holding my girlfriend’s hand
is some kind of offence
Yet your Porn Hub’s biggest fan,
So it’s doesn’t make sense.

I mean, you’re clearly what I’m after,
what’s missing, the guy I’m really looking for.
A man whose surname I require,
‘Two women only?’ ‘Fancy a threesome?’ Wait,
you’re telling me you’re —”

‘Can I watch?’ ‘So, what is it you do?’ isn’t invasive at all…
I have it easy, ‘boys are dicks’, I’ve heard it all before.

A ‘gay marriage’ is different, exotic, some big day out,
‘I went to a GAY wedding’, your colleague exclaims,
but behind closed doors, nothing’s changed.

Sure, I wear dresses, makeup, no buzz-cut in sight,
for if it’s not penetrative, it’s not real sex, right?
‘Please make me straight’ I’m no church goer, but I pray,
‘I’m not interested’, ‘I’m taken’, ‘I see you as a friend…’

No, I’m…
gay.

My Experience with Homophobia

Aged 14, when confessing to my Mum that I was attracted to girls, one of the things she was concerned about was any backlash or horrid comments I’d receive at school. Understandably, teenagers can be mean and the slur ‘that’s so gay’ was used more often than I can count.  But thankfully , this was never the case. From this, I never thought it would be. It’s the twenty-first century. In 2015, same sex marriage was legalised. Love is Love, right? Wrong. To some, even in 2017, making comments and glaring even when my girlfriend and I are walking in the street is a reaction that they don’t think twice about.

I want to write about one experience in particular because it’s something that made both my girlfriend and I feel unsafe. As a woman, in any context, gay or otherwise, men making derogatory comments is unsettling and would be enough for someone to retaliate. But in the scenario I faced recently, my girlfriend and I stood up and left. There was no one there to say ‘hold up, that’s inappropriate.’ Before your thoughts cross a certain path, no we weren’t being overly affectionate (although I doubt straight couples would even be asked this.) We weren’t talking loudly or making out in the corner. Weren’t drawing attention to ourselves, weren’t even sat near those who verbally attacked us.

Friday night, Birmingham, a cocktail bar. We’d just been out for a romantic meal, like any other couple we thought we’d enjoy a drink in a location presumably open to all. We’re sat on the sofas, enjoying our drinks, chatting away. No kissing. No overt PDA. There’s a group of men in suits around a table sat a distance away from us. We don’t even notice them initially, we’re just enjoying our time together. That is until, and no this isn’t the first time we’ve experienced this, our night out together is cut short.

“This isn’t a lesbian bar.”

The group of men laugh. Staring at us. Laughing. My girlfriend and I have to look at each other, wide-eyed, to check we really did hear them right.

The fact of the matter is, whether we were being affectionate, should not even be a factor in this. What’s worse is, we couldn’t say anything. We were outnumbered, by a group of predatory men, looking at us like we shouldn’t be allowed in that bar. Like my ID is expected to provide a small print stating ‘heterosexual’ before ordering my pina colada. The comments didn’t stop there. At one point, I hear the word ‘strap-on’, followed by stares and laughter.

“We’re leaving.” I say, feeling afraid to take my girlfriend’s hand. We’re shaken up, the night’s ruined.

What horrifies me is that it’s twenty-seventeen and homophobia is still something, I, a twenty year old gay woman has to cope with in society. It’s bad enough being beeped at by a man in a lorry, being told to ‘smile love’ and take it as complimentary, because I’m a woman. It’s worse that I’m a gay woman. I never thought that would be the case. ‘It’s legal now.’ ‘It’s treated the same.’ ‘Why do you even need gay pride anymore?’ are phrases I hear repeatedly.

Now, I’m not asking for sympathy. Not asking for your apologies on behalf of these men, telling us we shouldn’t be allowed in this bar, because we’re two girls on a date, at 8:30pm. What I’m asking is for you to reflect, to question if things really are as liberal as you assume. Because yes, things have drastically improved from the 1970s, but internalised homophobia, and external on occasion, still exists. And under no circumstances should I feel afraid and attacked for my sexual orientation, in a bar in the early evening. A place that to many ‘unsafe’ wouldn’t even come to mind.

“I hate the word homophobia. It’s not a phobia. You’re not scared. You’re an asshole.” – Morgan Freeman

She’s

Her eyes are a marble collection of rainbow hues,

fabricating past mistrust and apprehension,

into a revised perspective.

 

For she now carries her coat, her mac, her jacket;

no longer a protective cape, but kick-ass costume.

She’s colour, an orbit of Crayola; strides of smashed

kaleidoscope; her glass half-full.

Painting her former demons onto

a canvas of newfound strength.

Her lips mould words, blurring across my vision,

she’s everywhere, a beacon.

Her hair, a patch-work replica of the aqua-marine.

 

She’s home reconsidered, a swimming pool.

She’s a change I don’t fear,

now routine from what was before.

You’re

You’re the girl immersed in the city

colour, from slate grey to

carnival inked maps.

You’re lilac, a colourful orbit, a

translucent, iridescent sun-rise,

Tying me to the shore, like an anchor.

You’re keeping me ship-wrecked,

and captive, safely so.

 

My heart is meshed, knitted in a

tight, make-shift spider’s web.

Laced in a mesh of passion

and goodbyes.

 

You’re my lighthouse in the rocky storm.

You’re rainbow infused safety,

You’re.

les-be-honest

 

‘but she’s a girl’

my mother said

after I paid for dinner

& the valentines’ card was signed

with swirly, delicate style

not block capitals like my father’s

 

her body

like mine, but different

iridescent, a beacon in the

morning sun

dazzling her spine

like a torch

 

I touch, but it’s wrong

but it feels… ri-

yet we hold hands slyly

in the corner of the bus

 

no husband to pay the

bills, my parents fear

 

our legs intertwined in our

(air-raid) shelter

‘unnatural!’ the sirens blare

she, the lighthouse in the storm

(of my affections)